Friday, July 13, 2012


One bright and sunny winter evening:
Understanding and Acceptance married and a wimpy child named love was born. Ignorance and Selfishness had a quite scandalous affair and a devilishly hot child named Hatred was born. Now, they face off in an epic battle that will last till the end of time.
As of this moment, Vanity and Destruction have joined forces with Hatred and have at their command B40 RPGs, semi-automatic machine guns, and Taylor Lautner. Compassion and Happiness have allied with Love and together they have developed the weapons of…hugs and Dumbledore. Though Dumbledore kicked the crap out of Lautner, the attempt to hug the semi-automatic machine gun was a fail.
As Taylor Swift rises to the occassion and takes the place of Lautner*, Love has recruited an army of puppies. Taylor Swift* sings her song “Love Story”. The puppies’ ears bleed and they writhe on the ground in pain. She is joined by Justin Beiber*. The puppies die.
The death of the puppies sent chaos throughout the land of Love. The body of Hope lay dead among them, followed by Happiness who committed suicide by watching a marathon of all three High School Musicals. Every hug shot at Hatred has been deflected by their wall of emo teenagers who have learned to redirect their self-loathing towards the meaningful cause of ending love on Earth.

But, amidst the turmoil, a spark of light did arise. As the puppies fell to their deaths, Taylor Swift saw from across the battlefield a little man. A little man with no shoes and curly hair. And that little man was Frodo Baggins. With one look, she tripped and fell into the land of Love.
Straight toward him she ran, until finally collapsing in gasps at his feet. His beautifully large and hairy feet. Slowly, she lifted her gaze and met his eyes which had begun to fill with tears. He had to turn away for a second with a cough of disgust before he could meet her subconscious gawking stare once again.
With great desperation, Swift declared her love for Frodo who remained expressionless as he watched the droplets of spit fly from her mouth. He had greater callings. Where was a Nazgul when he needed one? He could not waste his time with this…
Suddenly, a small light flickered from across the grounds. Frodo peered closer. Yes, he had finally come. Charging at him at full speed was Harry Potter, riding his demonic unicorn with its sharpened spiral horn and gleaming ice-cream-white mane.
Frodo knew it would take more than just hugs to take care of Potter. Much more. He sprang foward with the agility of a man who’s bunny had caught on fire. Leaping off the head of one of his fellow companions who went face down into the mud, Frodo did a flying tornado kick straight into Potter’s anger-twisted face, knocking him off his steed with his powerfully over-sized feet.

Potter was not fazed. In seconds, he was on his feet, his wand out and ready. However, Frodo was faster. He had already knocked out one of Hatred’s minions and gotton himself an RPG. He fired. But with a swish and flick, Winnie the Pooh shot out of Potter’s wand, making contact with the grenade before reaching him. Fluff and stuffing rained down upon them. Frodo, at first horrified, became enraged. Pooh was like a father to him, and he had taken him away from him…forever. Now it was personal.

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